Friday, May 30, 2008

Meet The Crew Parts 1 & 2

Sorry, I’m still not up to snuff, so no biking stories or extraordinary tales of extreme weight loss to impress you with today. Instead I thought I’d introduce you to some of the characters in my life.

AKA: The Wife, My First Wife, The Warden, The Ball and Chain, Honey Bunny Sweety Pie Can I….*

You’ve already met Chas before, but what can I say, she’s got me so wrapped I can’t stop talking about her. I’ve been hanging with Chas since she moved next door to me when she was 15 and I was 17. She likes to tell this story of first meeting me on the way to school and being all impressed because I had picked a flower for my girl friend at the time and how sweet that was. Whatever. I was a 17 year adolescent boy and she was a girl with a pulse that lived down the street from me. Hello, what was she thinking? It was all part of my elaborate plan to bag the hottie next door, my very elaborate plan. It involved a long string of hook ups and break ups**, a couple of highschool dances, 3 or 4 motorcycles, 2 colleges, and a stint on a submarine. Yeah, it may seem convoluted to the uninitiated, but I did get the girl.

Who am I kidding, I just got lucky. This fact has been reinforced on more than one occasion. One time when we were pulling in from a 3 month patrol I happened to be in the control room messing around with one of the periscopes. The Officer of the deck was looking through the other scope when he suddenly blurted out, “Check out the chick at the smoking deck, quick!” Well, we had been out to sea for three months, so I promptly turned to and looked, and then pointed out that it was my wife. I was thinking he was probably embarrassed and might try to offer a polite apology. Instead I got, “Holy Crap, how in-thee-hell did you score that!?!?!?!”

Years later, I am still a little shocked myself.

I could go on and on about her, but I’m kind of biased, if you want to get to know her a little better, go check out her blog.

*Oh yes, I will pay for this.

**These were with other boyfriends and girlfriends, we never actually dated. In fact, due to logistics, and the physical limitations of the human body, we kissed for the first time less than 48 hours before our wedding.

AKA: Uhhhhh…Errrrrrr…I’ve always just called him Steve

This is my best bud Steve. I met him in 1996 or so, back when I was in the Navy. I wasn’t too sure about him when he first transferred into my department, but when he started pissing off the entire chain of command within about 15 minutes of his arrival I knew we’d get along great.

Up until I met him I always thought I was the smartest ass within a hundred mile radius of wherever I happened to be standing. No longer. When it comes to pissing people off and riling folks up, I bow to you Steve. Don’t let the ignorant country bumpkin act he likes to pull fool you, he is one of the sharpest people you will ever meet. He can sum you up and cut you down so fast it violates laws of physics, but don’t worry, you’ll be laughing too hard to notice. If he didn’t have that Adult Attention Deficit thing kick’n, he’d rule the world. He’s downright dangerous enough as it is.

A day with Steve usually revolves around an internal combustion engine of some sort. He is about as crazy and fun to hang around as that picture makes him look. I’ve seen him get air in everything from a 2000 Hyundai Accent to 5 ton stake bed truck. I’ve heard tell of him sinking a jet ski, and he used to race a vintage top fuel dragster. Up until recently he mainly stuck to dirt bikes and quads, but lately his new thing is RC helicopters. Whatever, if it has a throttle or a clutch, Steve could make it do things the guy who designed would freak out over.

The end of the day with Steve usually revolves around pork steaks and beer, and cracking jokes until I have to go in my car and dig for my inhaler I’m wheezing so bad. We have been known to wrap things up by climbing trees and discussing the Prime Mover theory, or raiding abandoned houses for garden sculptures resembling my dog Kepler. Actually though, he's kind of turned things around too, we've been swapping health food recipes and work out strategies a lot lately. His liver isn't fat like mine though.

I once heard a friend will bail you out of jail, a real friend will be sitting there next to you, saying “Man, that sure was fun!” That real friend is Steve.

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