Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Meet the Crew Part 3

Weight: 227
Delta M: -1.6
Mileage: 0
June Mileage: 10.4

The doctor says I have bronchitis. I asked about riding and he said sure, go ahead, once you can stop sweating while you're sitting still. So tomorrow when I get home from work I’m gonna strip naked, crank up the AC and lay down in front of a fan. I pretty much blew the rideable portion of the afternoon in the waiting room, and we have thunderstorms rolling in now, so there is no ride report to speak of, all you get today is another installment of meet the crew.

This is Joel. Yeah, I know, I didn’t recognize him either. If the picture was of the rear tire of his road bike, I would be able to pick it out from 500 yards, but otherwise I don’t get to see him in his biking clothes too often, well, at least not from that angle. I actually don’t get to see him much any more period, he moved back to Minnesota this past winter. He is about the baddest biker I know. He once left a full body print, snow angel style, in my front yard. He misjudged a snowbank and face planted in about 2 feet of snow, it was like 12 degrees outside. Crazy bastard. He'll be the first to tell you there were some other riders around here that could give him a run for his money, but I'm fairly certain given a level playing field as far as training and seasonal peaks and all that go, Joel could pretty much annihilate most of the locals out here. And plus, look at that picture, you see that tricep? How often do you see that on a biker? He doesn't have to ask his girlfriend to open the mayonnaise jar for him, upper body strength is a rare trait in the peloton. I'm pretty sure his bones aren't hollow either.

I met Joel on a local “slow” shop ride in the spring of 2006. I guess he lost a bet or something and had to take us slow fatties out and make sure we all didn’t get lost or hurt or something. We got to talking and the next thing you know, I’m shopping for a road bike. Up until that point, I had been riding around an old mountain bike my mom had bought me back when I was 15 that I had converted to a fixed gear.

Once I found my road bike Joel conned me into trying to keep up with the “fast” group ride coming out of the shop on Wednesdays. It was a losing battle, I think I finished in sight of the pack once that whole season, but Joel would talk me into going again, and again, and again. I guess I was pretty entertaining to have around. Joel seemed to get a certain satisfaction in telling me how everybody laughed at the way I pulled; accelerating, then blowing up, then getting spit off the back of the pack never to see them again…

Anyway, he also started inviting me on Saturday morning rides, and weekday rides. Sometimes other guys from the shop would join us on Saturday mornings, but on the weekdays it was usually just me and him.

An engineer by trade and training, Joel missed his calling. He should be a personal trainer. He has this weird way of keeping you on track, just when you start thinking you could slack a little, he’d knock you down a few notches. One time he was pulling us home from what I thought was particularly brutal ride and he happened to look at our shadow and caught me coasting in his draft. Not only did he not let me draft the rest of the way home, but he picked on me till I threw a tantrum. OK, well maybe not that much, but he did pick on me. In fact the only reason he let me catch him on the way back was because we passed this big sweaty hairy ape of a troll riding his old banged up 10 speed, shirtless. Joel wanted to makes sure it wasn’t my boyfriend. He’s nice like that.

Basically, he’d push me till I blew up, then make fun of me for being weak until I cried. Then he would slow down and apologize for making me cry, but I could tell he didn’t really mean it. Come to think of it, him and Steve would get along great, they’d laugh themselves silly at my expense I am sure.. He’s really not near as mean as I make out to be, he made up for it by keeping me skinny, and fixing my bike for me, or making sure I didn’t jack it up too bad trying to fix it myself. Tobie just dubbed him “The Instigator” on a whim, I'm sure of it.

Mental note- keep Joel in Minnesota, and Steve in St. Louis, never shall they meet.


durtdemon said...

Maybe they brought you for the same reason I watch Jerry Springer.....

joel said...

But check out his ass...that's what Jon's usually staring at!

Johnny said...

Look bitches, you all are lucky I don't have time for this right now, I have a fat t liver that needs some exercising, or I'd take of you two, SHARPLY!