Monday, July 14, 2008

Hey Ladies! My eyes are up HERE!!!!!!

Weight: 221.8
Delta M: 0
Mileage: 16.7 (intervals/road bike)
July Mileage: 141.7

I want to establish a couple of things. I am not a mere piece of meat. There is more to me than mere bone and muscle, a lot more actually, like 40+ pounds more. There are feelings, there is a heart, there is a liver, that if not still obese at this point is at the very least still a little bit chunky. It is sensitive, it is still insecure about the love handle bulging up over its 501’s. Second, let me just establish the fact that cool stuff like this NEVER EVER happens to me. I don’t have hot blonde chicks just show up at my door with a case of beer on a Friday night-STEVE!* I don’t have women who can’t keep their hands off of me just move into the condo next door- Steve Koz! *

So I’m just riding along in my 5 minute rest before I have to start back down my pyramid interval, when this car full of girls (teenagers I’m sure, but I wasn’t wearing my glasses) lays on the horn behind me and yells something incoherent. People are always yelling incoherent things at me, so I didn’t think anything of it at first. Well then they pull into a driveway just up ahead of me, wait for me to pass, and get back on the road. A few seconds later I can hear the car driving slowly behind me, then one of the girls screams “Wahoo!! Show me that butt!!!” I was a little shocked to say the least. Lucky for them, I was wearing bib shorts, and I’m not all that coordinated after half a set of intervals, or I would have obliged them. Still bearing some hefty road rash from last week, I’m sure leaving my pale, hairy cheeks contained in my shorts was best for all involved though.

So a few miles up the road, intervals complete, vomit barely contained, I come to an intersection. This black convertible starts to pull out in front of me, then stops. Although close, they had ample time to get across without cutting me off. This cougar is at the wheel and she is totally ogling me over the edge of her sunglasses! I even wiped my face and cleared the sweat out my eyes to make sure I was seeing things right. It usually takes a shower, a shave, a shirt with buttons on it, and 2 or 3 drinks to get my own wife to look at me like that! I blushed! I don’t do that often, like maybe every 14 years or so, MAYBE.

*Normally I would have to answer to The Warden for making whimsical comments like this, but seeing as while I was out working, whoring my soul for enough money to keep a roof over our heads she was online flirting with my friends, I think she’ll let it slide this time!!! Or maybe she was actually cleaning out like 4 years of junk, the sort only a 6 year old boy can accumulate, out of his room while he was with his Grandma in Seattle and couldn’t interfere, and I am really a dead man. If I haven't posted again by Thursday, I'll guess you'll know.

1 comment:

joel said...

Dang, I was waiting for the, "...then I woke up" part.